The Back-up Plan Fails to Deliver

The rousing successes of baby-crazed films like Knocked Up and Baby Mama have given birth to an illegitimate, rom-com nightmare. Filled with syrupy dialogue, unpalatable attempts at witty banter, and every gross-out pregnancy gag in the book, The Back-up Plan is baby food at its blandest.
 

It’s been nearly three years since audiences have seen Jennifer Lopez on the silver screen. The actress took a hiatus from acting to have her very own bundles of joy with husband, Marc Anthony. And lest her derriere go without mention, let it be known that Ms. Lopez’s most distinguished asset is gratuitously displayed in multiple scenes (It’s so nauseating, ladies, it will give you morning sickness). Perhaps the actress felt a special affinity for her character, Zoe, a thirtysomething pet store owner who does what all single gals do when they’ve been lonely too long: gets artificially inseminated. But whatever Ms. Lopez’s reason for choosing this forgettable vehicle to kick-start her reemergence into the movie biz, she should have gone with Plan B – no matter what it was.

 

 

As the promising trailer would tell you, Zoe’s plan goes predictably awry when Stan, the most perfect man in Manhattan (Alex O’Loughlin), “steals” her cab, deflating her delightful, post-insemination mood. But after many a serendipitous rendezvous, the two can’t help but wonder if Cupid is afoot. After the obligatory courtship tango in which she flirtatiously evades his overtures, and he charmingly insists she give him a chance and wows her with a private, candlelight dinner in an Edenic garden, the two quickly have the best sex of their lives, thanks to Zoe’s raging hormones.
 

Conveniently, neither of Zoe’s parents are in the picture, affording the mother-to-be an excuse to be especially fearful that she will be abandoned by her Greek god of a goat cheese-making boyfriend (Not to be outdone by J-Lo’s rear, Mr. O’Loughlin makes a tractor sexy without a shirt or farmer’s tan).  As Zoe’s belly swells and Stan’s own parental insecurities heighten, Zoe wrestles with the now frightening possibility that she might raise her child alone. As a member of the nutty group, “Single Mothers and Proud”, Zoe frequents the awkwardly cultish meetings in which one woman breastfeeds a three year-old and another ferociously gives birth in a kiddie pool while the leader (Melissa McCarthy) chants and beats a conga drum.

After approximately three break-ups (I guess that’s what unplanned artificial insemination does to a couple) , Zoe and Stan reunite immediately after Zoe’s water breaks at her Nana’s (Linda Lavin) wedding. And they don’t convene at the hospital. On the contrary, Zoe hijacks her Nana’s white rented Bentley and hightails it to the goat cheese stall so she can make amends with Stan before a chorus of happy onlookers – a moment that would not be nearly so picturesque in a sterile delivery room.
 

Save for the adorable, well-trained Boston terrier and a few brief glimpses at genuine characters such as Zoe’s doctor (Robert Klein) and Nana, The Back-up Plan is a watered-down romance unworthy even to be optioned for a sitcom series. We can only hope Ms. Lopez will one day star in a movie more like her best to date, Out of Sight:a little less insipid talk, and a lot more action.

1.5 stars out of 5